Empowerment Leadership Model for Small Groups, Teams, & Families
Course 4, Lesson 6
________________
Directing Help Toward the Group
Rather Than to Individuals
Copyright 2001 Dick Wulf
Note: Whenever "group" or "team" is used, it can mean "group", "team", or "family".
________________________________________________
Leadership of groups requires relating to groups. This mandates (1) directing actions and speech to the group, (2) hardly ever directing talk and behavior to individual members, (3) giving work to the group most all of the time and to individuals very seldom, and (4) teaching the group synergistic behaviors.
Most people relate individually, to one person at a time. But when a group leader does this in the group (relates to individuals in the group context), things never intended are communicated. Relating to individuals defines the leader, not as one who will help the group, but as one who will help the individuals in the group rather than help the group. Unknowingly, the leader will be treating the group like it is made up of little children or incapable adults. His actions will say that he needs to call all the shots, control all the action, know what is best for everybody, and answer all the questions. When the leader talks to the individual group members, individuals will look for help primarily from the leader rather than from one another. This is not good. Such behavior ignores the very existence of a group and in time will destroy whatever embryonic group exists.
If the group leader speaks to individuals, focuses on individuals, analyzes the behavior of individuals, and rewards individuals, the group becomes invisible. If the group does not have a presence in the mind and actions of the leader, how are the group members going to know that a group exists?
The skillful group leader rarely talks to an individual in the group. Almost all verbalizations by the group leader should be addressed to the whole group while his or her head turns to look at all group members as he or she completes the sentence. This communicates that there is a group in the room. It even indicates that the group is an entity that should work together to do whatever is necessitated by its group purpose.
Whenever the group leader talks, it is critical to address the group by using words and phrases like, “the group” and “you” as in “you all”. Examples might be statements as follows. “Does the group want to encourage Jim to take on a job in the work of the church?” “Do you (‘you all’ communicated by looking at everyone while talking) wish to evaluate how today’s meeting went in terms of the group’s purpose?” “What does the group think of what Mary said?” “What is your (the group’s) understanding of what Jesus means in this Bible passage?” Once the group sees itself as a group, this will be less necessary. But, it is absolutely critical at the beginning of every new group.
When someone is talking, the group leader should be looking around at every one of the group members, including the one talking. Yet it is appropriate for group members to be concentrating their gaze on the individual talking. The individual is the concern of the group and its members. But the individual talking is not the primary concern of the group leader. Instead, it is the group that is the main concern of the group leader and what he or she should be looking at and analyzing.
Therefore, the group leader should not necessarily be analyzing what an individual group member is saying, although it is possible to hear what is said. The group should analyze what a member says because the individual is the concern of the group. Instead, the group leader should be analyzing the behavior of the group in light of the individual’s statement and behavior. The group is the primary concern of the small group leader, and he or she must not get caught up in what an individual is doing or saying.
The group leader is helping the group. To talk to or look at any one person or anything other than the whole group will be confusing. For example, pastors want their churches to be strong, but they preach to individuals. It might seem like a small difference (preaching to individuals rather than the church as a whole), but it makes a world of difference. Just innocently preaching to individuals packs a big negative impact.
If a pastor wants to preach on forgiveness, for example, he really wants all of his people to forgive. He doesn’t want pockets of unforgiveness in his church. He knows the danger to service and fellowship of such pockets of resentment. With this in mind, let’s analyze one paragraph from a possible sermon on forgiveness.
“Our Bible passage today talks of forgiving others. You and I are to forgive others because we have been forgiven. We are to pass on to others the peace of mind we have each received as a result of Christ’s life, death and resurrection. If you will learn to forgive quickly, you will eliminate a whole lot of stress from your life. Etc. Etc.”
|
The listener in the pew will realize that this sermon might have something for him or her. The stage will be set to not think about the church at all. The only truth likely to be considered is how to become a forgiving person. The pastor may be hoping for a forgiving church; but he has unknowingly chosen to help the individual members of the church rather than the church itself.
What might such an introductory paragraph look like if the pastor addressed the help of his sermon to the group (the church)?
What might such an introductory paragraph look like if the pastor addressed the help of his sermon to the group (the church)?
Possible group-oriented paragraph:
“Our Bible passage today talks about the importance of forgiveness in the church. We together are responsible to see that all of us are forgiving and forgiven. Christ has prepared us for this in our community by his life, death and resurrection. As forgiven people we are to forgive one another. As a church we are to help one another be able to forgive as well as be able to receive forgiveness. As we effect a forgiven community of believers, we will all experience a peace that will truly be heavenly -- the peace of the kingdom of God.” |
Those in the pews listening to this church-oriented introductory paragraph to the coming sermon will have their minds directed toward the body of Christ, not merely on their own forgiving behavior. They will see privileges of the society of God’s people, rather than merely personal benefits. They will shoulder their responsibilities not merely as an individual, but as a part of the whole church. They will expect more out of themselves by viewing forgiveness from the standpoint of church community. The pastor will have a much, much greater chance of effecting a forgiving community of believers. Results will multiply as people help one another forgive others as well as receive forgiveness. Those resistant to apologize will recognize that it is the popular thing to do. Many more positive results will come from such church-focused preaching. (much more about preaching to the church)
In the group, it is the same. If the leader talks to individuals, each group member will have only himself or herself in mind and not the group -- the aspect of all of them together. Then, many tasks will seem too overwhelming, as if they must only be done by individual action. Group members will be intimidated by challenges when those adversities and difficulties would be easy for the group as a whole. Things like dealing with a loud, forceful, too-talkative group member, bringing out the shy members, or confronting hurtful communication between spouses in the group will seem too difficult if the small group leader talks to individuals instead of the group as a whole. If a group leader says, “Can anyone help the shy members to open up?” only the bravest will try. And they may resent the assignment. Not so if the group leader almost always talk to the group. Addressing the group as a whole, the leader can just as easily say, “Can the group help the shy members to open up?” No member then feels that the weight of the problem is on his or her shoulders alone. People will begin to grapple with the problem because they expect help from the other members of the group. Even the shy members may contribute.
The leader of a group should want the group to develop into a powerful sub-society in the kingdom of God. This can only be done by consistently addressing the society and not the individual members of the society. This is not so foreign as it might seem. Coaches address teams. The United States government addresses states. States ask communities what they want. What if states asked individuals what they wanted rather than asking the community as a whole? The community would be weakened, if not destroyed. Therefore, it is critical that the group leader primarily communicate with the group and not its members.
Yet every now and then a group leader must help an individual group member. Individuals will seek out the leader. It can’t be prevented, only mildly discouraged. Group members will talk to the group leader before the meeting, after the meeting and during the group’s dessert break. They will often, if not always, bring their individual problems to the group leader. They will especially bring their problems with the group to the leader. This is a big problem. How does the skillful group leader deal with this so that the group remains the individual’s main source of help? How does the leader deal with this so that the group is not robbed of its role and power?
Individuals can always get more from a society than from a leader. Even the wisest leader is not wiser than the whole counsel of the community, whether that be a small group or a whole church congregation. And the leader has only a limited amount of time and other resources. Therefore, one of the greatest results of leading a group as a group is to create a small society that is responsive and has much to offer its members. This is the main goal of the savvy group leader.
Therefore, when approached by an individual group member, the alert group leader discusses things in light of the group as the individual’s greatest resource. Whenever the group leader talks to an individual, it should be to help that individual take advantage of the group’s help. In effect, it is the group leader’s job to direct the group member to the social system he or she belongs to. It is that social system, in this case the group, that is responsible to help.
So the simple rule is this: Always help individual group members take their needs and problems to the group! This keeps the focus on the group -- and off of the leader. This gives the group its rightful responsibility. The exception to this rule is when an individual brings a problem that is unrelated to the purpose of the group or its healthy functioning. Obviously, it would disrupt most groups for a member to ask the group to spend time recommending a good dentist.
It is very flattering to be asked for help that you can provide. However, the humble group leader resists the opportunity to be of help whenever the group can grow and proceed toward its purpose by being the conduit of help to an individual member. It is even acceptable to reply to a request, “That request should be taken to the group. The group can do a much better job than I can. When might you be able to bring it to the group’s attention?”
It is, however, okay to help the individual know how to approach the group and take its help.
The leader should not need to “show off” his or her knowledge and helping skills. The group needs the practice of helping. Even if the leader does need the practice, it is not his or her role. When the leader takes an active role in helping individual group members, in or out of the group meeting, the leader stops helping the group and begins hindering it.
But, in insignificant things the group leader can feel free to give advice and answer questions when interacting with an individual group member. But in all things related to the group’s purpose and the group’s functional development the leader should refrain from all but directing the individual to his or her group. This way the group will become strong and individual group members will practice leadership skills. This is the way the church grows and develops more leaders.
Also, in crisis situations where the individual absolutely has to take action before the next group meeting, the leader can help. But the leader needs to carefully consider if there is a way for the individual to approach the group or a few of its members before the next meeting. For example, the individual might be able to phone a couple of group members. Or an emergency meeting of the group can be called. Yet, often what an individual feels is a crisis can, indeed, wait until the next group meeting.
Let’s illustrate directing the individual to the group with a really sticky problem. What should be done when a group member approaches you, the group leader, and says that she (Joan) detests another member of the group (Sally)?
One way of dealing with this so that the group is strengthened is to reply, “Let’s talk about how you can take this problem to the group.” In this way you do not rob the group of growth opportunities to teach tolerance, to effect conflict resolution, to train its members how to speak the truth in love, etc.
Most likely Joan will be shocked that you even suggest she bring up her dislike of Sally for open group discussion -- especially with Sally present. Using “politeness” as the reason, she will overlook that her nonverbal, automatic behavior toward Sally is already more hurtful than the act of bringing the problem out in the open. But Joan will likely not easily understand, because individualistic societies yield few visible examples of groups or social units solving problems. Yet, superior results can come from groups of people -- committees, teams, project groups, families, even Mom and Dad working together.
So, to be sure, Joan will need your help in seeing why it is good to bring the problem to the group and how to best do it. You will need to explain that helping Joan accept Sally is the job of the group and that they can do it better than you can because everyone can point out what they like about Sally that Joan is overlooking. And if Sally is doing anything that makes her unlikeable, others will also point it out and help Sally make necessary changes.
But Joan’s objections will have more to do with how to bring it up to the group, especially because it really is best presented when Sally is present. People don’t really like to find that they have been the subject of group discussion “behind their backs”.
First the group leader needs to help Joan make the decision to try to like Sally, especially because Sally belongs to the Lord and He loves her. Then the group leader can explain to Joan (and this will take a bit of creative thought) that she can exercise humility and say to the group, “I want the group’s help to appreciate Sally better. I have a problem liking her, but I do want to like her. Can you help me see what my problem is and help me over it?”
By directing Joan to the group rather than counseling her, the leader will not undermine the group’s role with both Joan and Sally. You will also give the group a challenging task which will build confidence and cohesion. (Note that if offense was the issue instead of dislike, the leader would direct Joan to talk to Sally apart from the group as instructed by Matthew 18.)
When group leaders ask questions of or speak to individuals, they are usually acting like group members rather than group leaders. For example, if, in a situation where Joe’s wife has walked out of the marriage, the group leader might ask Joe, “What are you feeling about your wife leaving you?” Here the group leader is acting like a group member. This question can easily be asked by group members. In fact, the group members must learn how to do this. Instead, the group leader might say to the group, looking at each person while the sentence is being said, “Do you think it is appropriate to find out how Joe feels right now?”
Let me mention in closing that in the past when I have been a field instructor for graduate students, I have required students to run groups and speak no more than ten times in two hours. And only one of those times could be directed to an individual group member. This had to be done in order to pass the course and get the Masters Degree in Social Work. With this requirement, every single student I ever supervised won the “Best Group Worker Award” at the University of Denver Graduate School of Social Work. It was the skill of talking to the group almost all of the time that made this happen.
In the group, it is the same. If the leader talks to individuals, each group member will have only himself or herself in mind and not the group -- the aspect of all of them together. Then, many tasks will seem too overwhelming, as if they must only be done by individual action. Group members will be intimidated by challenges when those adversities and difficulties would be easy for the group as a whole. Things like dealing with a loud, forceful, too-talkative group member, bringing out the shy members, or confronting hurtful communication between spouses in the group will seem too difficult if the small group leader talks to individuals instead of the group as a whole. If a group leader says, “Can anyone help the shy members to open up?” only the bravest will try. And they may resent the assignment. Not so if the group leader almost always talk to the group. Addressing the group as a whole, the leader can just as easily say, “Can the group help the shy members to open up?” No member then feels that the weight of the problem is on his or her shoulders alone. People will begin to grapple with the problem because they expect help from the other members of the group. Even the shy members may contribute.
The leader of a group should want the group to develop into a powerful sub-society in the kingdom of God. This can only be done by consistently addressing the society and not the individual members of the society. This is not so foreign as it might seem. Coaches address teams. The United States government addresses states. States ask communities what they want. What if states asked individuals what they wanted rather than asking the community as a whole? The community would be weakened, if not destroyed. Therefore, it is critical that the group leader primarily communicate with the group and not its members.
Yet every now and then a group leader must help an individual group member. Individuals will seek out the leader. It can’t be prevented, only mildly discouraged. Group members will talk to the group leader before the meeting, after the meeting and during the group’s dessert break. They will often, if not always, bring their individual problems to the group leader. They will especially bring their problems with the group to the leader. This is a big problem. How does the skillful group leader deal with this so that the group remains the individual’s main source of help? How does the leader deal with this so that the group is not robbed of its role and power?
Individuals can always get more from a society than from a leader. Even the wisest leader is not wiser than the whole counsel of the community, whether that be a small group or a whole church congregation. And the leader has only a limited amount of time and other resources. Therefore, one of the greatest results of leading a group as a group is to create a small society that is responsive and has much to offer its members. This is the main goal of the savvy group leader.
Therefore, when approached by an individual group member, the alert group leader discusses things in light of the group as the individual’s greatest resource. Whenever the group leader talks to an individual, it should be to help that individual take advantage of the group’s help. In effect, it is the group leader’s job to direct the group member to the social system he or she belongs to. It is that social system, in this case the group, that is responsible to help.
So the simple rule is this: Always help individual group members take their needs and problems to the group! This keeps the focus on the group -- and off of the leader. This gives the group its rightful responsibility. The exception to this rule is when an individual brings a problem that is unrelated to the purpose of the group or its healthy functioning. Obviously, it would disrupt most groups for a member to ask the group to spend time recommending a good dentist.
It is very flattering to be asked for help that you can provide. However, the humble group leader resists the opportunity to be of help whenever the group can grow and proceed toward its purpose by being the conduit of help to an individual member. It is even acceptable to reply to a request, “That request should be taken to the group. The group can do a much better job than I can. When might you be able to bring it to the group’s attention?”
It is, however, okay to help the individual know how to approach the group and take its help.
The leader should not need to “show off” his or her knowledge and helping skills. The group needs the practice of helping. Even if the leader does need the practice, it is not his or her role. When the leader takes an active role in helping individual group members, in or out of the group meeting, the leader stops helping the group and begins hindering it.
But, in insignificant things the group leader can feel free to give advice and answer questions when interacting with an individual group member. But in all things related to the group’s purpose and the group’s functional development the leader should refrain from all but directing the individual to his or her group. This way the group will become strong and individual group members will practice leadership skills. This is the way the church grows and develops more leaders.
Also, in crisis situations where the individual absolutely has to take action before the next group meeting, the leader can help. But the leader needs to carefully consider if there is a way for the individual to approach the group or a few of its members before the next meeting. For example, the individual might be able to phone a couple of group members. Or an emergency meeting of the group can be called. Yet, often what an individual feels is a crisis can, indeed, wait until the next group meeting.
Let’s illustrate directing the individual to the group with a really sticky problem. What should be done when a group member approaches you, the group leader, and says that she (Joan) detests another member of the group (Sally)?
One way of dealing with this so that the group is strengthened is to reply, “Let’s talk about how you can take this problem to the group.” In this way you do not rob the group of growth opportunities to teach tolerance, to effect conflict resolution, to train its members how to speak the truth in love, etc.
Most likely Joan will be shocked that you even suggest she bring up her dislike of Sally for open group discussion -- especially with Sally present. Using “politeness” as the reason, she will overlook that her nonverbal, automatic behavior toward Sally is already more hurtful than the act of bringing the problem out in the open. But Joan will likely not easily understand, because individualistic societies yield few visible examples of groups or social units solving problems. Yet, superior results can come from groups of people -- committees, teams, project groups, families, even Mom and Dad working together.
So, to be sure, Joan will need your help in seeing why it is good to bring the problem to the group and how to best do it. You will need to explain that helping Joan accept Sally is the job of the group and that they can do it better than you can because everyone can point out what they like about Sally that Joan is overlooking. And if Sally is doing anything that makes her unlikeable, others will also point it out and help Sally make necessary changes.
But Joan’s objections will have more to do with how to bring it up to the group, especially because it really is best presented when Sally is present. People don’t really like to find that they have been the subject of group discussion “behind their backs”.
First the group leader needs to help Joan make the decision to try to like Sally, especially because Sally belongs to the Lord and He loves her. Then the group leader can explain to Joan (and this will take a bit of creative thought) that she can exercise humility and say to the group, “I want the group’s help to appreciate Sally better. I have a problem liking her, but I do want to like her. Can you help me see what my problem is and help me over it?”
By directing Joan to the group rather than counseling her, the leader will not undermine the group’s role with both Joan and Sally. You will also give the group a challenging task which will build confidence and cohesion. (Note that if offense was the issue instead of dislike, the leader would direct Joan to talk to Sally apart from the group as instructed by Matthew 18.)
When group leaders ask questions of or speak to individuals, they are usually acting like group members rather than group leaders. For example, if, in a situation where Joe’s wife has walked out of the marriage, the group leader might ask Joe, “What are you feeling about your wife leaving you?” Here the group leader is acting like a group member. This question can easily be asked by group members. In fact, the group members must learn how to do this. Instead, the group leader might say to the group, looking at each person while the sentence is being said, “Do you think it is appropriate to find out how Joe feels right now?”
Let me mention in closing that in the past when I have been a field instructor for graduate students, I have required students to run groups and speak no more than ten times in two hours. And only one of those times could be directed to an individual group member. This had to be done in order to pass the course and get the Masters Degree in Social Work. With this requirement, every single student I ever supervised won the “Best Group Worker Award” at the University of Denver Graduate School of Social Work. It was the skill of talking to the group almost all of the time that made this happen.
Copyright 2013 Dick Wulf, Colorado, USA