Empowerment Leadership Model for Small Groups, Teams, & Families
Course 3, Lesson 14
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Family
Re-starting your family
so they truly function as a social unit of people
who want to help one another enjoy God
and be all that they can be as both a family and as individuals
Note: Whenever "group" or "team" is used, it can mean "group", "team", or "family".
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Tuning-In to the Target Population
TYPE OF GROUP: YOUR FAMILY
therefore,
the TARGET POPULATION is: FAMILY MEMBERS WHO LIVE IN YOUR HOME
The Tuning-In Process is helpful to do as a parent, but not essential to get started since, hopefully, you are already quite familiar. Therefore, we will not provide examples for the tuning-in process.
However, you might want to "tune in" to everyone in your family.
TUNING-IN STEP ONE: Understand the situations of potential group members. What are their lives like? What kinds of things do they face? What might be going on in their lives? What is normal behavior for them?
TUNING-IN STEP TWO: What might potential group members be THINKING about their lives? About themselves? What do they want out of life?
TUNING-IN STEP THREE: What might potential group members be FEELING about their lives? About themselves?
TUNING-IN STEP FOUR: Regarding the group or program you will propose, what might potential group members think and feel about it? And what might they think and feel about you, the leader?
TUNING-IN STEP FIVE: What do you think and feel about the potential group members? About the group as a whole? About leading the group? About your skills, the facilities, etc.?
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Formulating a Motivating "Offer of Opportunity"
Formulating a Motivating "Offer of Opportunity"
Decide upon a generalized purpose statement that embodies something critical that (1) family members really want and (2) that they need each other to achieve. It also must be a purpose that you want to help your family achieve. Design a purpose statement that connects what you want for your family with what family members want.
How would you like our family's purpose to be to help one another enjoy (God and) life and become all that we can be (for God) as individuals and also as a family?
If everyone in your family is walking with God, take the words in parentheses out. If, however, anyone would be really resistant, leave those words out. In this latter case, you will be able to do everything the same to lead your family and eventually people may be willing to add the aspect of faith into the purpose statement. I once wanted a group of maximum security prison inmates so dangerous they had been in isolation for months to adopt a purpose to help one another improve their quality of life in the prison. But, they were of a race with a very bad history with white people, and I had to settle for the group purpose "to help one another hate me, the therapist". Within 3 months, every single one of the ten men were no longer so angry and in the general population rather than in solitary confinement. It is fine to settle on a "lesser" purpose if it will still allow you, the leader, to work toward your own goals. |
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Establishing the Agreements of "The Contract"
Establishing the Agreements of "The Contract"
The Contract is the set of agreements between family members with one another and the kids with the parents (leaders). The Contract establishes the understanding and commitment necessary for the family to accomplish its purpose.
For most of the first meeting there will not be an empowered family, only a collection of family members working at deciding whether or not they want to form a purpose-driven, highly functional family. Starting with item #10, the family has begun as an empowered social unit and has its own responsibilities.
To get a family started being an empowered social unit, one or both parents will:
1. Present the possibility of a better family experience.
2 . Help family members consider the offer to change the way family is done.
3. Help those who want a new kind of family experience to actually form an empowered family.
4. Help the new type of family define their expectations through agreements that will help them
be successful at achieving the family purpose.
CONTRACTING STEP ONE: Using the “tuning-in” that you did before this first meeting, if you did, help family members know that you care for them and somewhat understand them and their life situations. Then, lend a vision about the benefits of working together.
"I//We want to have a family that has more fun and is better at being 'family'."
"The changes we want to make how our family does things are small improvements that will make us all better people who have more fun and solve problems easier." "I/We know that some of you might be extremely satisfied how things are going in our family. And, someone might really not like spending time with our family. We want to have a family where everyone helps one another to have more and more fun and success. So, if you think it is good now, it should become much better. And, if you don't like the family as it is now, it should get better." "Maybe you think that things cannot get better, but if we all learn to work together well, we should definitely do better." |
CONTRACTING STEP TWO: Offer the family change in as simple a way as possible. A family is like an employer or employing organization in that the purpose is not negotiable unless it can be improved. Therefore, a parent or parents are not asking the family to decide to be or not to be a member of the family (group) or to agree to the purpose. In employment, the employee is choosing to get a salary or not. In a family, the choice is to become a family member committed to the family purpose or go without some of the privileges of membership (allowance, choice of bedroom, use of family computer - whatever the parent or parents decide come with acting as a true family member.)
Plan helpful actions that will engage the possible feelings, thoughts, and actions of potential group members in a way that will help them overcome doubts and commit themselves to the group. Anticipate problems that might come up when you offer the group or program, such as concern for confidentiality.
Plan helpful actions that will engage the possible feelings, thoughts, and actions of potential group members in a way that will help them overcome doubts and commit themselves to the group. Anticipate problems that might come up when you offer the group or program, such as concern for confidentiality.
"The purpose of our family is going to be to help one another enjoy (God and) life and become all that we can be (for God) as individuals and also as a family."
“What do you think about this purpose?" "Why are you not supportive of this?" Etc. "Family meetings will be most Sunday evenings for about an hour. At the meetings we will work at making us into a family the helps one another enjoy (God and) life and become all that we can be (for God) as individuals and also as a family. We will plan family activities, solve problems, and talk about anything else that needs to be talked about." |
Be non-defensive about the offer, realize that this might be a new idea to them and they may have many, many questions. And, as important as you know this can be for your family, it may take a little time for everyone to see what they are getting into.
CONTRACTING STEP THREE: Help family members accept the family purpose and be open to learning how things can be better.
“Can anyone think of anything to add to improve the family purpose of helping one another enjoy (God and) life and become all that we can be (for God) as individuals and also as a family?"
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CONTRACTING STEP FOUR: Lead a discussion on the cost of deeper family membership under the new purpose and family model.
Things to consider may include but are not limited to the following: (a) respect for each other, (b) acceptance of everybody's legitimate needs, (c) doing chores, and (d) a host of other things. Ask everyone to contribute to the list.
Things to consider may include but are not limited to the following: (a) respect for each other, (b) acceptance of everybody's legitimate needs, (c) doing chores, and (d) a host of other things. Ask everyone to contribute to the list.
“There are costs to having a fun, helpful and successful family. For example, every family member will need to act respectful with everybody else, everyone will have to contribute to the family in the way of chores, and accepting that everyone has legitimate needs. What else is necessary for us to succeed as a family?"
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CONTRACTING STEP FIVE: Acquire from each family member an agreement to be a contributing family member, committed to the family’s purpose and willing to pay the cost of membership in a family that pursues success.
If anyone does not want to cooperate with the new way of doing things, if the family cannot convince them to give it a try, then accept their decision for the time being and see if they will change their mind in the next few weeks after they have have not received some of the benefits of working with the family. Let them know that if at any time they change their mind and want to join the group and its purpose, they just need to say so.
If anyone does not want to cooperate with the new way of doing things, if the family cannot convince them to give it a try, then accept their decision for the time being and see if they will change their mind in the next few weeks after they have have not received some of the benefits of working with the family. Let them know that if at any time they change their mind and want to join the group and its purpose, they just need to say so.
“Do you want to do this? Do you want to work together to have a better family, one where we help each other enjoy (God and) life and become all that we can be (for God) as individuals and also as a family?"
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CONTRACTING STEP SIX: Ask for commitment of family members to each other.
“Can each of you commit, not only to the family and its purpose, but also to help every other family member? This even means that you commit to help each family member be helpful to our family."
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CONTRACTING STEP SEVEN: Help the family understand that you will be coaching the family on what it needs to do to develop and grow into a strong team.
“As parent(s), I/we will be watching to see what we need to do to become a strong, successful family. It will help me/us if you kids will do as much as you are capable when we are thinking things through, like what we want to do for a good weekend or vacation. They will help me/us be able to have time to think of how the family is doing and what might get in the way of our success."
"For example, if one of you has trouble with a school class, it will now be a problem for the whole family. We will talk as a family what each of us can do to help. We need you kids to speak up and not wait to see what I/we say about the situation. That will allow me/us to think about something else, like if everyone is offering the help they can be." |
CONTRACTING STEP EIGHT: When they agree, it is time for you to commit yourself to help the group and its group members. This Step is not needed in the family. You as a parent do not have the option of not helping the family.
CONTRACTING STEP NINE: Explain that they have just agreed to be a new kind of family: two or more people who need each other to work on a common purpose.
Okay, let's begin working together and help each other to have a superior kind of family.
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CONTRACTING STEP TEN: Go over a little more carefully what it means to be a "true" member of the new and improved family. Explain that membership has benefits like cooperation and friendliness and respectfulness. Ask them if anyone cannot give those things to everyone in the family (who has accepted membership). Usually they will readily agree, and this may be important later if any of those things are withheld from someone.
If any family member did not want to go along with this new way of doing things, make sure that the discussion about privileges includes special things that the person holding out will not get. This could include allowance, desert, outings to the movies, occasional help from others in doing chores when time is scarce because of some other activity, lessons, equipment for sports, rides to activities, etc. In other words, anyone who does not want to help others might not be entitled to help.
If any family member did not want to go along with this new way of doing things, make sure that the discussion about privileges includes special things that the person holding out will not get. This could include allowance, desert, outings to the movies, occasional help from others in doing chores when time is scarce because of some other activity, lessons, equipment for sports, rides to activities, etc. In other words, anyone who does not want to help others might not be entitled to help.
“Now let's think a little more about membership and its privileges."
"Other than friendliness and help, what other privileges of membership are there? Let's list lots of things that come as a result of helping the family with its purpose of helping one another enjoy (God and) life and become all that we can be (for God) as individuals and also as a family.” |
CONTRACTING STEP ELEVEN: Help the family explore the feelings of each member about being in a family that works together for everyone's benefit and where family members do not just look out for themselves.
“How does it feel to begin to be a family where you are concerned about not only yourself but the other members of the family?”
"How does it feel to take more responsibility in the things of the family rather than just letting me/us the parent(s) do everything?" |
CONTRACTING STEP TWELVE: Help the family explore what kinds of individual behavior will be expected of each of the members if the family is to go well and be successful in working toward the family purpose. After dealing with individual behaviors that will help the group succeed, discuss what behaviors will be detrimental to group success.
In the family, this Step is BIG. It is the place where all of you talk about what is great behavior. It is when all of you together can list such things as telling the truth, not bossing each other around, being polite, looking out for everyone rather than just for yourself, doing chores without having to be reminded if you are old enough to do that, etc.
In the family, this Step is BIG. It is the place where all of you talk about what is great behavior. It is when all of you together can list such things as telling the truth, not bossing each other around, being polite, looking out for everyone rather than just for yourself, doing chores without having to be reminded if you are old enough to do that, etc.
“What might be required from each of us to bring success?"
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CONTRACTING STEP THIRTEEN: Help the family consider what it will need to do as a whole rather than as individuals. Help them to identify things like creating a "can do", positive, accepting atmosphere. There is no need for the family members to understand the span of their responsibilities. But they do need to know that the family as a whole will need to do many things – as a family. Considering some of these things at this new beginning will focus the minds of group members on their existence as a family as a whole rather than as individuals.
“What things can you think of that we will have to do as a family? What can we do that no individual member can accomplish, like only the family as a whole can make our home and our interactions safe.”
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CONTRACTING STEP FOURTEEN: Help the family discuss general goals necessary to achieve the family's purpose.
This is when you can begin to adopt goals together, such a how often you want to and can afford to go to movies, what everyone wants to do in the way of family outings and trips, when and how people can let the family know when they need help with something, etc.
This is when you can begin to adopt goals together, such a how often you want to and can afford to go to movies, what everyone wants to do in the way of family outings and trips, when and how people can let the family know when they need help with something, etc.
“Let's make some goals or things to shoot for. I will suggest the first: to have a vacation next summer where everyone gets to do at least one special thing he or she wants to.”
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Copyright 2012 Dick Wulf, Colorado, USA